Posted on May 4, 2011


My current store manager is probably one of the sweetest people I’ve ever worked with. She was born on St. Patrick’s day, her favorite color is green, she loves the musical sitcom GLEE and is the size of a pixie. In all my retail years I’ve never encountered a person who handles people the way she does. It’s truly an art she has perfected. For instance she could tell you, with a smile, that you look like Beetlejuice, and your children like Garbage Pail kids.You’d leave the store wondering why you have the sudden urge to move your family into a dumpster while singing “Daylight come an me won go home” St. Patty is also the only one who can get away with saying the word “soiled” to describe a spot or a stain found on an item a customer is trying to sell. I didn’t know this when I decided to give the word a go. Not only were my customers items dirty, he was too. A perfectly “soiled” candidate. “I’m sorry” I say as I eyeball his filthy items “I’m going to have to pass today. Your items are soiled and we just can’t buy any soiled items for the store” YES! I smiled to myself. I even managed to squeeze it in their twice! Go me! He stared at me in disbelief.”Soiled?…Soiled?! What the fuck does that even mean?” Uh oh. “Well…” I start ” Do you see?” I say as I point gingerly to a baby diarrhea colored stain. “Its soiled here and it’s also soiled here” the first stain had an even uglier paternal twin and a slew of cousins down the sleeve of the item. “So I’m going to have to pass today” “Soiled, Soiled, Soiled! Why do you keep saying it like that. You makin’ me feel like I’m dirty and shit. I took a shower just this morning. I take one everyday. Shit” He says as he runs his fingers through his oily red hair. He put his hand on the counter top then in the pocket of his own jacket, leaving fingerprints that looked like a suspects would at a crime scene. “Look, I’m really sorry but we just can’t take it soi…ummm any items in this condition. If you want to wash it and bring it back we can take a second look” “Yeah, alright, whatever” I wipe down the counter and take the next few customers thinking “that didn’t go so well” when Dirty Red gets back in line with a jacket to purchase.”Yeah hi” he says ” I was wondering if you can check out this jacket for me before I buy it. I’m just tryna make sure there ain’t any soils on it.” Smart ass.